


Bruised Silken Sky

by towardstheair



Series: Bruised Series [2]
Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-06
Updated: 2013-09-06
Packaged: 2017-12-25 20:23:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/957247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/towardstheair/pseuds/towardstheair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: Hurt/Comfort.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bruised Silken Sky

Kris is strongly aware that Adam is gone. He had fallen asleep with the heavy weight of Adam's body on his. It was new and different, the feel of Adam all around him. Maybe it should have felt suffocating, but it is strange that he felt like he could finally breathe. More than anything in this moment, he missed Adam. He knows Adam is probably in the shower or the kitchen no more than a few feet away but it is still too far. Anywhere more than just an arm's reach away was too far.

 

He doesn't want to move; he is positive if he closed his eyes and imagined hard enough he can still feel Adam's body against his. He is sure that if he tries to forget the cold chill creeping over his body he could feel warm again. But the coldness is the truth pushing its way in. Kris couldn't pretend that last night had been perfect or exactly how he imagined that moment happening, because yes, he has thought about it. If he let every repressed feeling for Adam come to the surface, he is fairly sure every single important moment over the last two years would somehow involve Adam. His strong, unwavering spirit.

 

Last night though, despite how much Kris had wanted Adam, it was like being with a stranger. It had been Adam's body, his voice, his hands, everything that Kris had learnt to tell himself not to want. There were brief flickering moments when a connection sparked and Kris could feel everything that he imagined it would be, and then he would see the darkness shifting over Adam's eyes, making him feel like Adam was a million miles away.

 

He shudders at the thought and pulls the blanket that lay across his waist up to his chin. He could only assume that when Adam had woken up he had covered Kris with the blanket. Kris shouldn't have allowed himself to feel butterflies in his stomach at the thought of Adam looking down at him and pulling the blanket to cover him. He really shouldn't. But he is slowly realising he has little control over what he felt for Adam, how Adam makes him feel, even what he would do for Adam. The lines are blurry all of a sudden.

 

Kris has no idea how to explain this, whether it is the right time to go and find Adam and explain that last night is something he had been wanting for a long time. He feels selfish at the thought of burdening Adam with anything more right now. Adam is so close to the edge of breaking down, if he hasn't already, and Kris doesn't want to be responsible for giving him the final push.

 

There are noises coming from the kitchen, like the sounds of someone trying to be careful not to be too noisy and failing. He wished this could be different circumstances. That he could imagine Adam in the kitchen making them both breakfast, singing along to the radio, bringing coffee in for him, his face bright with smiles. But Kris isn't stupid enough to believe that one night with him could magically make everything better.

 

He throws the blanket off and stands up slowly, looking to find his jeans from last night. Everything looks slightly different this morning, the flickers of light coming through the blinds made everything look harsh and bright. Kris squints his eyes and reaches out for his jeans and pulls them on. His feet pad across the smooth wooden floor as he makes his way to the kitchen. Adam is at the sink. It looks like he isn't moving at all, just staring out across the window in front of him.

 

“Adam.”

 

He looks different from how he did last night. His hair is wet and brushed back across his face, his clothes casual but clean. To look at him Kris would think he is the perfect picture of someone holding everything together but then he turns around and the look on his face soon gives him away.

 

“I was trying to be quiet. I didn't want to wake you.”

 

“You didn't wake me.”

 

Adam turns back around. This is another side of Adam Kris hasn't seen before either. Kris isn't entirely sure, but he'd say that Adam looks awkward and uneasy and it must be infectious because all of a sudden Kris has no idea what to say. Adam moves slowly around the kitchen, getting two mugs from the cupboard, preparing coffee for the both of them, all the while not looking at Kris once. He can feel shame coming off Adam in waves.

 

“Adam...”

 

“I called Brad this morning. There's a memorial service on Wednesday. We said we'd all go together and I think it'd be a good idea. We're going out for drinks after, Jeremy's favourite bar...”

 

Adam continues to talk, mostly the details of the schedule for the day. Clearly he has planned everything out perfectly in his head so he would know what to expect. He is moving quickly around the room as he speaks, frantically stirring his coffee and Kris just wants to grab him and tell him to stop.

 

Adam stops talking and he looks exhausted. Finally he looks at Kris and holds out a cup of coffee which Kris takes willingly. Their fingers brush against each other's briefly as the cup is passed. Kris wants to keep Adam there, to make him forget the coffee and instead pull him close and be able to explain himself to Adam.

 

Kris breaks the moment and wraps both hands around the cup, pulling it close to him. He wishes he had put his shirt on before he came into the kitchen; he feels cold and slightly self conscious under Adam's gaze.

 

“I need to say something, Adam. I can't just... I have to explain. Last night...”

 

“I can't talk about that, Kris.”

 

“I think we have to talk about it.”

 

“No, Kris. I can't talk about it. It's just too much for me right now, okay? What I need to do is get through the next few days. Say goodbye to my friend and then focus on rehearsing for the tour I have to be ready for in a month.”

 

Kris wants to protest, but it's hard when Adam's voice is so determined and his eyes are pleading with him to leave it.

 

“And you need to do the same. You need to go back to Katy, focus on rehearsals and this... well we'll just pretend this never happened.”

 

The words are predictable and exactly what Kris expected but they still hurt, like Adam has punched him in the chest, knocking all the life out of him.

 

“I don't know if I can do that.”

 

Adam steps closer, his eyes still doing that pleading thing. He looks tired and Kris wants to reach up and brush away the bags under Adam's eyes with his fingertips. When he rests his hands on Kris' legs they feel warm through his jeans and he just wants to fall against Adam's chest and stay there for as long as he possibly can.

 

“Try. For me. My head... I can't work through this right now, Kris. If this is even anything, I don't know. I know that you're my best friend and I don't want to fuck that up and I'm terrified about what happened last night and all of that is just too much right now with everything else. So I want to ignore the fact that we possibly made the biggest mistake we could last night and focus on the part that you were there for me when I needed you. That you always will be, right?”

 

Kris can't get his mouth to open to speak or his head to move to nod. He literally can't force a response from his body. It takes Adam to press his hands against Kris' face and force their eyes to meet.

 

“Right?”

 

Kris licks his lips and he just wants to close the small distance between them and tell Adam that everything could be really simple right now if he just lets them be. But no matter what Kris tries to convince himself of, Adam is still grieving and will be for a while and he just doesn't need this. And Kris does have a wife, and he may have avoided telling Adam that things are falling apart. He could never manage to find the right words, and if he was selfish enough to try and get what he wanted he might tell Adam now. Tell him that, yes he is married, but it's just on paper, that he and Katy have been drifting away for months now. Maybe even years. It's bad that he can't even pin point the moment that he fell out of love.

 

“We should take some time apart...”

 

“What?” Kris nearly spills coffee all over Adam as he moves forward. He wants to keep Adam here with him. He doesn't want time apart, they are both going on tour in just over a month and who knows when he'll see him again. How can Adam ask him if he'll always be there for him and then ask for time apart? Adam takes the cup out of Kris' hands. Kris is seconds away from freaking out and it takes everything he has to keep it together.

 

Adam steps closer and wraps his arms around Kris' waist. He is trying to be comforting and make Kris feel better but it's too fucking much. He can't figure out how after just one night with Adam the distance between them is too much. He can still feel Adam's lips and hands on him and he really wishes he could keep his thoughts on just being Adam's friend. Just being what he thinks he needs.

 

“I just think it would be for the best, Kris. I know you were trying to help me last night and in a way you did. Whether last night meant nothing or something... I don't know... I don't have any answers to that...”

 

“You aren't making any sense Adam. Do you want me to always be here or do you want time apart?”

 

“I don't know. I just think that... I'm not saying forever, Kris. Just give me some time, a couple of weeks... I don't know how to explain this to you without...”

 

It's literally breaking Kris' heart to see Adam try so fucking hard to explain how he is feeling when it's clear he has no idea how he feels. His life is off balance and Kris feels like his way of helping just fell apart around him. Everything that felt like a good idea last night all seems so wrong. Selfish.

 

Kris moves Adam's arms from around him and steps away. He can barely look at Adam. “I'll go. You don't have to explain anything to me. I just want you to...” Adam's arms are empty and reached out towards him and Kris hits hard against Adam's chest. The hug is brief but Kris hopes it says everything that he can't say.

 

He goes into auto-pilot as he moves back into the living room, picking up the discarded shirt from the night before. He repeats in his head that it's better this way. Adam can figure this out. Kris can go and figure himself out and it's going to be better that way. But when he gets to the front door, he can't move. He doesn't want to leave Adam alone and he doesn't want to go back to the apartment where Katy and even himself are going to pretend everything is okay. He wants his best friend, and he wants to be here to make sure Adam is okay.

 

Kris doesn't even need to think about it, he is already moving back towards the kitchen and Adam is still standing in the same place, his arms hanging limply at his sides.

 

“If you need anything, if you can't talk to anyone else. If you need me.”

 

Adam nods and it's all the promise Kris needs. “And don't spend too much time alone, go and see Brad. Call Allison, she's worried sick. Call your Mom.”

 

He wants to add “Call me” on the end of all of it but he bites his lip and turns away. He refuses to say goodbye, because this is not goodbye. He has a busy schedule and so does Adam, but he doesn't want this to be the last time he sees Adam before tour begins.

 

–

 

Kris doesn't hear from or see Adam before his tour starts, he doesn't see him the day Katy leaves and he doesn't contact him after Katy calls and they both agree that their separation should be made permanent. Neither of them quite manage to be able to use the word divorce. “Maybe it's too final?” Katy suggests when Kris questions why neither of them had said it. He agrees because it's all the explanation he can think of as well.

 

He doesn't call Adam when he breaks down after a call from Katy a month into the tour, when he confesses that he had sex with Adam. He doesn't know why it mattered, they were thousands of miles apart and a few days away from being officially divorced and he is sure it would seal the nail in them never being friends. But it had been eating away at him, every time Katy had called, crying over why it hadn't worked out, things she could have done. While Kris doesn't need to take all the blame, he feels like he should be shouldering more than Katy. All she's ever been is supportive and understanding and all she did was fall out of love. There should be no guilt in that.

 

It's two months into his tour now and Kris wants to break the promise he made with himself to not call Adam. But even when his finger hovers over the call button, he can't quite manage to do it. He has spent the last few months convincing himself that if Adam needed him he would have called. The logic Kris comes to is simple. Adam hasn't called. He doesn't need Kris.

 

He never expected Adam to hide away and slink into the sidelines. He always knew Adam would take centre stage and play the perfect role everyone expects him too. But when Kris sees him smiling on the front of a magazine, or in an interview on TV giving all the perfect answers and looking as beautiful as Kris remembers, it hurts a little to know that Kris had no part in helping him heal. The last time Kris had seen Adam he was broken and in pain and he had no idea how to put him back together again. It may not have been a version of Adam that Kris knows well, but it's still his last memory and it's the one that always comes back to him in the middle of the night when he can't sleep, thoughts of what could have been filling his mind.

 

There's no show tonight, they are staying three days in New York and one of those nights, tonight, he has agreed to make an appearance at the MTV Video Music Awards. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Allison had called him with her usual enthusiasm and had managed to convince him that it would be the best idea ever. It is hard to say no to Allison when she is using that innocent pleading tone.

 

He is already dressed and ready to go, sitting on the edge of the bed waiting for the call to tell him his car is ready. He ignores the suggestions that going with a date would have been a good idea to show the press that he is “moving on” - but he is more than certain all of his attempts would be transparent. He has never been good at putting on a show to cover how he is feeling.

 

He jumps up from the bed when the phone rings, the voice on the end of the line sounds bored as he is informed his car is waiting. All the company he would have tonight is Wayne, his 7ft bodyguard who scares the life out of him and Allison. He'd have to work out a convincing enough lie when Allison starts asking him questions about how he is doing. He feels bad for using the divorce as an excuse but it is a lot easier for him to talk about that than what is really bothering him. At least his separation from Katy has been somewhat healthy, and at least mutual. His feelings for Adam still feel undefined and there are too many unanswered questions that Kris feels would be forever hanging over him.

 

–

 

The car ride is short and Kris spends most of the journey replying to texts from Allison demanding to know where he was. He has to fight the urge to ask Allison if there was any sight of Adam. No one could give him a definite answer on whether Adam would be attending or not. He is touring as well and his appearance depends on his schedule, Kris felt like pushing any further would have resulted in questions that he doesn't want to answer. As far as everyone is concerned he and Adam are still the closest of friends, Adam has been giving perfect answers to any question he is asked about Kris and Kris' responses are so rehearsed by now, he always says the same thing, mostly because he is terrified to stray away from what he is comfortable saying.

 

It's hard when whoever is interviewing him throws him off by asking their opinion of something in Adam's life and Kris doesn't even know it's happened. Until a few months ago, he had no idea how hard it was going to be to put fake smile on your face and tell lies after lies. Acting like things had been okay with Katy for months seems like nothing compared to this torture.

 

He smiles his way through the flashing cameras on the red carpet. He has a vague idea where to find Allison; she has gone into great detail of where she is waiting for him. He waves and stops every now and then and lets the cameras flash, that is the easy part. He should be used to it after a couple of years now, the long line of people wanting to ask you the same questions and expecting the same perfect answers, it should feel natural and easy. But Kris has always felt, and still does feel awkward; he never feels like he holds himself right or laughs at the right thing, it always somehow feels off slightly.

 

He is so busy focusing on getting there that he doesn't even notice who he has just crashed into. What he does notice is the cameras flashing even more times than before, his name being called blurred with Adam's.

 

Kris should be trying harder to hide the look of shock on his face, because Adam is doing a perfect job. He is smiling wide, eyes bright with happiness and looking perfectly put together. The complete opposite of how Kris had last seen him. Adam pulls him into a tight hug and Kris's arms don't even try to respond, they hang down at his sides and he can't seem to recover from the shock. All he wants to do is drag Adam away and ignore all the people demanding so much from him right now. When Adam releases him, his eyes do not leave Kris’ face and he looks pleased to see him but Kris quickly realises that it's Adam's show face Kris can see right now.

 

He grew accustomed to it during Idol, because despite what most people thought of Adam even he could only deal with a certain amount of shit. It is one of the many valuable lessons he learned from Adam, and right now he wishes he had taken more time to practice plastering a fake smile on his face because he is sure he is giving away all the months of pain he has suffered with just one look.

 

Adam turns them both and flings an arm around Kris's shoulder. All Kris can see is blinding lights, flashing frantically in front of his eyes. He tries to force the smile onto his face and he prays that it's there, covering the pain he really feels but he really has no idea because everything is moving so fast. One moment they are standing still, posing for photo after photo, and the next they are turning and walking, stopping to have a microphone shoved under their noses.

 

Kris can hear Adam answering whatever question he is being asked, his arm still tightly around Kris as if he is making sure that Kris would not escape. It's nice to be this close to Adam again, even if he can feel the tension between them, even if he can feel it growing with each minute that passes by and he doesn't know how everyone else isn't going to notice this. Because he knows he is tense where Adam is touching him, his whole body tightening every time Adam laughs and pulls Kris closer.

 

The microphone is in his face and he can only vaguely remember what the question is. He can remember the word Adam and something about his latest album and Kris nods his head stupidly and says something along the lines of how happy he is for Adam. It sounds all wrong though. Saying the words that he is happy, when it comes out sounding like he is the exact opposite of happy.

 

They get pulled apart somewhere along the way, and he finds himself answering questions alone, missing the warmth of Adam close to him and feeling relieved that it's gone all at the same time. When he finally reaches the end of it, he feels exhausted and the last thing he wants to do is sit through three hours of an award ceremony. He wants to go back to the hotel and get into bed and not surface until he has to get back on the tour bus.

 

Fate always has different plans for Kris it would seem. Allison comes running up to him and her arms tighten around his neck and she chatters excitedly in his ear. When had it gotten so loud all of sudden? There are so many people around him and he wants to be able to focus only on Allison, but everything but her is catching his eye and he can't help but search the room for Adam.

 

“Kristopher Allen. Pay attention to me please.”

 

Allison's loud voice echo's above all the other noise and he couldn't possibly ignore it. She has her hands on her hips and her head is tilted, an irritated expression on her face.

 

“Sorry... sorry... have you seen Adam?”

 

“Adam's here?” She practically squeals the words and drags him off in search of Adam but they don't find him and they get to their seats late. Kris wants to tell Allison that he'd rather be outside than in the noisy auditorium bursting with people, the loud thud of music and voices that feel like they are shouting right into his ear.

 

He can't hear himself think. He doesn't understand why Adam was here and then he seems to be gone just as quick. Kris really hopes the whole thing isn't in his imagination because that would be really pathetic. But he is sure that it was real. The more likely truth is that Adam is hiding from him, that he has been ever since that night and being here together at the same time is just an inconvenience to him, one that is easily solved by Adam leaving.

 

Kris feels the anger rising inside him and it doesn't disappear through thirty music video awards and fifteen performances; he counts everything in the hope that it will go faster and when he has the chance to escape he takes it. He tells Allison he feels sick and he is walking away before she can even open her mouth to protest.

 

 

–

 

 

It's late when Kris gets back to the hotel and he wants to crash onto the bed and deal with everything in the morning, but his brain is running on overdrive and he can't seem to get it to slow down or shut up. The anger from earlier has only faded slightly, and while it seems stupid to be angry at Adam when he doesn't really know what he is angry for, he can't help it.

 

He can't be angry at Adam for being his usual self and trying his best to put on the façade that the two of them are perfectly fine because that's exactly what Kris should have done. But he thinks he is fairly justified in being angry that Adam didn't try and find Kris after, let them finally have the conversation they have been needing to have. He goes over the same things that have been running through his mind for months now, that he in fact could approach Adam, he could call or text but he left this as Adam's decision. Adam had wanted some time and Kris had given it to him – he just didn't expect it to be this long.

 

Even when he finally gets into bed, the covers pulled over him, and he moves until he is comfortable, he still can't quieten his mind enough to be able to sleep. Some stupid part of his brain thinks it would be a good idea to check twitter and when he does the amount of replies to him seem even crazier than normal and a majority of them seem to be associated with Adam's name as well. There seems to be hundreds of links and Kris can already see what's coming before he even clicks onto them.

 

The first is a picture of him and Adam earlier in the night. Adam looks beautiful at his side, the perfect happy smile on his face. Nothing about him looks wrong at all. It's all coming from Kris; his face is strained and even with the small smile on his face, his body language is saying that he wants to be anywhere but there. When he clicks back there are even more replies and he tries to ignore the words full of suggestions and questions so he clicks on another link. It takes him to a celebrity gossip website and the same picture as before greets him, but this time it's even harder to look at, especially with the words: “BEST FRIENDS NO MORE?” written boldly underneath it. His eyes wander across the small article that accompanies it, sentences like “things seemed tense between the usually close friends...”, “Lambert was seen leaving the awards ceremony before it even began”, and “Allen couldn't get away from there faster after the show had ended.” The last few words tease and taunt him, and what pisses him off is that he doesn't even have an answer. “All we can do is wonder what happened to cause the rift between the two men and if it will ever be mended.”

 

He stares at the words, unblinking, and he tries to imagine Adam's reaction when he sees this. If he'll even care, if he'll be hurt. He lets himself hold out a small piece of hope that Adam's reaction will be to call him straight away. It's stupid and pathetic, especially when he stares at his phone for five minutes begging it to ring.

 

He can't believe this is what it has come down to. He never once imagined what become of his relationship with Adam, that he would have to question whether or not to call Adam because before that night, calling him was like second nature, but now it feels like it's been ripped away.

 

Kris does get messages, two from his brother and one from Katy, both of them asking him if he is okay. He ignores them all and shuts off the lights in the room. He tries to block out the sounds from outside and the light from street shining through the blinds slightly. But every single thing keeps him alert; he is aware of everything and mostly aware of the voice in the back of his head, screaming at him, threatening him that nothing is going to be the same.

 

–

 

Kris has never been more thankful to have a day full of nothing stretched out in front of him. It means that it doesn't matter that he barely got any sleep and that he can ignore his phone persistently ringing as he pulls the covers over his head. The world can stay blocked away from him today, he wants to ignore facing what happened last night and he wants to ignore all the news stories that will no doubt be everywhere by now. He'll probably be questioned about it from all sides, even his family will ask him about this. There is no way he can run and hide away even if he wanted. Management will want damage control and he'll have to smile his way through it and make up another lie about why he was like that with Adam.

 

He soon realises there is no point staying in bed because he can't sleep. He throws the covers on and walks slowly to the bathroom, the phone still ringing endlessly and Kris still determined to ignore it. He turns the shower on and it drowns out the noise of the phone. He takes longer getting ready than he normally would and it's mainly for something to do, because while a day full of nothing sounds good in theory it means he has a day full of his own company, full of his own thoughts.

 

When he is finally dressed he considers seeing what Cale is up to, but he vaguely remembers him saying something about spending the days with his girlfriend and, while he is sure Cale wouldn't mind, Kris doesn't particularly want to be a third wheel. The phone seems to have finally given up and when he picks it up he has 27 missed calls and a dozen text messages. They are all made up of the same people mostly; his Mom, Katy a couple of times, Cale and his brother but it's the last called he missed that stands out from the rest of them.

 

Adam.

 

It's a stupid thing to remember but the last day he had a call from Adam was 72 days ago, not that he has been counting. There's no message from him, just the missed call. He pretends for a few moments that the reason Adam called is because he wants to see Kris, wants to talk to him like they used to before everything got messed up. But he knows it's because he has read all the stories, seen all the pictures and something needs to be done. Damage control.

 

He struggles with what to do for about thirty seconds, because even though it's not exactly how he wants it, it means he gets to speak to Adam without there being a room full of people around them and he hopes at least he can get through this somehow.

 

It doesn't ring for long and Adam answers, sounding stressed and tired. “Kris.”

 

“Hey.”

 

Kris can't be sure but he thinks he hears a slight hint of relief in Adam's voice but the thought fades quickly after. “We need to talk, Kris.”

 

Stupidly, Kris thinks this is it, that he can arrange to meet Adam somewhere and they can finally talk about this. Kris can finally get out everything he has wanted to say to Adam. He opens his mouth to respond, something stupid and happy that Adam is finally ready.

 

“People are already talking, the pictures are everywhere. The story is that we had a falling out and you hate me. Management is suggesting we meet up for lunch somewhere public, smile and laugh off any rumours.”

 

Stupid. “Damage control.”

 

“Exactly.”

 

The whole conversation, if it can even be called that, is strained. Adam sounds like this is the last thing he wants to be doing and Kris finds it hard to not let the anger he feels show in the tone of his voice. He notes down the restaurant Adam gives him and they agree to meet there at 1.

 

“You will show right?”

 

It makes Kris think that maybe the connection isn't completely lost because it had been running through his mind to just not show. To cut things off completely, but he is sure that would only make things worse anyway and he really, really wants to see Adam again.

 

“Of course.”

 

He ends the call without saying goodbye and waits for the time to tick by.

 

–

 

He walks to the restaurant from his hotel because it really isn't that far. He pulls the hood up on his sweater and keeps his sunglasses on. Kris has always thought he was pretty ordinary looking anyway, so it really doesn't take too much to cover up and hide away, he thinks for someone like Adam it must be hard to keep inconspicuous. Kris doesn't think there is any way Adam could hide away and still not be completely recognisable. Some people are just destined to stand out.

 

He can see Adam from across the street, smiling to the waiter as he places a bottle of water on the table. Kris hates how beautiful he looks, it might be easier if Adam were more like him, ordinary, but he wouldn't be Adam without that quality. He contemplates staying there longer, just looking at Adam from across the street where he doesn't have to face what is about to happen. He has no idea how he is going to get through this.

 

He dodges the cars as he rushes across the road and when he approaches the table he pulls his sunglasses off. Adam sees him instantly and his whole face lights up and Kris can't help but smile back, which is probably the key thing he needs to work with. If he focuses on how much he has missed Adam, then he can manage to get through this with a smile on his face. Adam is up on his feet and has his arms around Kris in seconds. He doesn't feel awkward now, he doesn't let himself feel awkward, he really can do this.

 

“You look tired.”

 

Kris shrugs as they pull away. “I didn't get that much sleep.”

 

“Do you have a show tonight?”

 

Kris shakes his head. “When are you leaving?”

 

“Straight after this actually.”

 

Kris is going to pretend that Adam doesn't sound all business about the whole thing; he is looking at Kris like he is interested and asking questions like he cares. If Kris pretends he doesn't know better, that he can see past all of Adam's bullshit, then he can act like it's real.

 

What Kris doesn't really understand is why go to all this effort? He knows he hasn't called Adam and this works both ways but he thought he was giving Adam what he needed. Kris has been waiting for Adam to be ready, for him to call. But he hasn't, for whatever reason, and if he is never planning to then why fight so hard to keep this friendship going? Why fight against the rumours that they aren't friends? Kris thinks it might be easier on them both if they just let the press run with this.

 

“Why did you leave last night?”

 

The waiter comes over with another bottle of water and smiles at them both asking if they are ready to order. Kris can see Adam's face wrinkle up as he decides what to order and then settles for a salad; he forgot how much it pisses Kris off that Adam is so careful about his weight. There is nothing wrong with his weight and he wants more than anything for the day when Adam comes to realise that. Kris orders the first thing he sees on the menu just to get the waiter to leave.

 

“So?”

 

Adam looks up at him. “What?”

 

“Last night, you just disappeared.”

 

Adam shrugs his shoulders. “I wasn't feeling too good.”

 

Kris nods and looks down into his empty glass and pours the water in. He can see Adam out of the corner of his eye, twirling the straw in his glass around and tapping his chipped nails on the table. It's funny how things have shifted from last night because Adam looks like the awkward and uncomfortable one and Kris is keeping his cool. It's at that moment he realises he and Adam have absolutely nothing to say to each other, besides the obvious, and out in the open like this is not the place to do it. Kris figures he has about half hour of small talk to get through, and if he can do that maybe he can convince Adam they need to have an actual conversation.

 

Adam hits his hand against the table with a dull thud and Kris looks up to see his tortured face. “Kris, I can't do this.”

 

“Do what? Have lunch with me or pretend that everything is okay?”

 

“Either.”

 

The silence stretches out between them and Adam won't look him in the eyes. He looks like someone is about to run away and Kris can tell he is figuring out exactly what it is he is going to say.

 

“I think I should just go...” Adam gets up and Kris has hold of his wrist so fast.

 

“That's it? You're just going to walk away from me?”

 

Adam pulls his arm away and smiles at the waiter; he starts talking when the waiter comes over and Kris never tears his gaze away from Adam. He is anything but calm and cool now, he feels even more let down by Adam. This is what Adam asked of him, Kris knows he would do whatever Adam had asked him too and that's why he is here.

 

“You asked me to come here, Adam. You've not spoken to me for the last few months and then you asked me to do this and now you're going to leave?”

 

“I'm doing this because we had to. Those fucking pictures Kris! You looked like you couldn't stand to be anywhere near me.”

 

“How exactly do you think I'm going to be?”

 

The waiter interrupts them and Adam pays quickly, thanking him before he turns away. They are both free to leave now, Kris can feel the energy changing; he knows there is nothing keeping them here anymore. He thinks he should fight against this, but he has no idea what Adam wants or what he is even fighting for anymore.

 

Adam is walking quickly down the street away from Kris. Kris is more than aware his next actions might bring up even more questions about their broken friendship, but he is up out of his chair so fast after Adam, following him down the street.

 

“Why didn't you call me?” Kris thinks it's the least Adam can give him, even a small explanation would be enough right now. “I was worried about you. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to call, but I know you needed time and I didn't want to push.”

 

Adam stops and turns to face Kris. “I'm sorry, Kris.”

 

“Sorry?” Kris is surprised how calm he sounds despite the anger building inside of him. He's not even an angry person by nature, Adam must bring it out of him. “The last time I saw you, you were a mess and I was worried sick but you never called. My marriage broke down and fell apart and I needed my best friend but I didn't even know if he wanted me to be that anymore.”

 

“I don't want to do this here.” Adam looks at him finally. Adam has answers and reasons, Kris knows they will be enough and it's pathetic that he can't maintain being mad at Adam. For the last few months he has been nothing but angry and now with one look, one promise of an explanation, Kris can let that anger slip away.

 

–

 

They walk back to the hotel in silence. Kris puts his sunglasses back on but it's not so easy being inconspicuous with Adam at his side. They get stopped a couple of times, and it's easier than he thought to put a smile on his face, sign autographs and make small talk. Adam stays close to him the whole time they are walking; sometimes Kris thinks he is going to say something but then the silence continues.

 

Even when they get to the hotel and are alone in the elevator neither of them speak. Kris watches Adam's reflection in the glass; he looks uncharacteristically uncomfortable and nervous. It's strange after all the months Kris spent with Adam, he is still now learning about this new layer of Adam. He can't say that he doesn't like it. He'd happily spend the rest of his life learning new things about Adam.

 

The safety of a locked door seems to make them more comfortable and he sees Adam smile a little as he looks around the room. Kris has never been the tidiest of people, something which Adam learnt in their time sharing rooms. He had said it was both irritating and endearing, mostly Kris just thinks Adam found it annoying but was trying to be nice.

 

Kris pulls his sweater off because it's always too damn hot in these hotel rooms and perches himself on the end of the bed. Adam is standing in front of the closed door, he hasn't moved since they got into the room and Kris just wants this damn tension to be gone.

 

“Adam. Just come here, come and sit down.”

 

“I am sorry.”

 

Adam blurts it out and Kris already knows that he is sorry, it's blatant to see and he has already said it three times now and he really isn't sure that it's the situation where an apology is needed.

 

“You're angry with me and you have every right to be.” Adam won't stop moving now; he takes off his jacket and throws it onto the bed next to Kris and starts pacing across the room in front of him, fingers weaving through his hair. “That night... it's not something I ever thought would happen. Despite all the talks of crushes and how close we are I never for one second thought that you and me... I'm not that guy, Kris. I learnt the hard way that you don't go after things that you are never going to have or if it's destined that you'll end up with a broken heart.”

 

Kris feels like he should be the one apologising; he never really explained what that night meant to him, he never had the chance.

 

“When Jeremy died I really felt like I had no control over anything in my life. I hate feeling like that, sometimes I still feel like that. When we had sex... I did want you but we need to face facts that if it had been any other situation that wouldn't have happened and things would be a lot easier between us now.”

 

“I don't think they would have been. Why do you think that happened that night, Adam?”

 

Adam shrugs. “Because you felt sorry for me, you wanted to be there for me and I wouldn't let you be.”

 

“So you think that every person I try and be there for when they need me is to have sex with them?”

 

“I didn't say that.”

 

Kris sighs. “It is part of the reason, but it's not the only reason. Regardless of anything else or any other feelings, you're my best friend and I had no idea how to reach you. I'd never seen you like that before, and I've thought about it a lot after and maybe I took advantage of a situation where I knew I could get what I needed as well...”

 

“I don't see it like that.”

 

“I know you don't. But I do. I haven't become the person I thought I was going to be. By now I thought I'd be celebrating wedding anniversaries and thinking about having kids, but things don't always go the way you plan them and I'm only just realising that maybe that's not so bad. I wanted you that night Adam, I wanted you long before that and ever since. I've had to deal with that, work through it and I've tried to regret the circumstances of how it happened, but I can't. You can say that you don't see it that way, but that is what it is and it was selfish of me.”

 

“Did you see me protesting?”

 

Adam's pacing ceased a long time ago, and the man standing in front of Kris now looks more like his friend than ever before. There is no more awkwardness or worry, it's just Adam again.

 

“I don't want you to feel bad for wanting me that night. I don't want you to feel bad about any of it. Kris, I really wish I could explain to you why I pushed you away after but I don't know what to say. I was going to call, everything just got really crazy and when things were busy it was easier to forget. Every time I thought about that night I just felt awful – I didn't know what I was going to say if I spoke to you, if I saw you, if I saw Katy!”

 

Kris flinches at her name and looks away from Adam. Sometimes it's hard to hear her voice, all he can remember is the ways he has let her down, broken promises that he made. It's the life he lives and the choices he made that got in the way and tore them apart. Ultimately, it was too much. They weren't strong enough to survive it. The cracks that he should have noticed years before became more prominent as the pressure built around them.

 

“I should have called when I heard about the divorce.”

 

Kris looks at Adam and blinks away the few stray tears. “Yeah, you should have.”

 

Adam is standing directly in front of him in seconds, arms hesitant as they stretch out towards Kris and then fall back to his sides. “Shit, Kris. I didn't know what to say...”

 

“It's okay...”

 

“It's really not okay.”

 

Kris hates seeing Adam being mad at himself, and at the time Kris may have not protested. After all he spent nights staring at his phone wishing Adam would call him, knowing that he knew and hadn't called. But it was just initial anger, and all misplaced. He could have easily called Adam.

 

“It works both ways. I could have called you.”

 

“I wanted to. I had it all figured out what I was going to say. I rehearsed it, I was afraid that it was my fault. I know you, and there's no way that you would have kept what happened from Katy. I read about it all on-line but as we both know what they say isn't always the truth. I had images of Katy throwing you out and you blaming me...”

 

“Adam, stop. The press really weren't far off, minus a few made up details the basis of it was pretty accurate. People fall out of love all the time, Katy and I... we were drifting apart for a long time. Long before you and I were together. Don't feel bad, this one's all on me.”

 

Adam shakes his head. “I knew you'd blame yourself.”

 

“I have to shoulder some of it. I didn't really notice at the time, but looking back I could see myself pulling away from her. We did try counselling but... I can't even say it was too late I just think this was always going to be our ending.”

 

“Is that... maybe you saying it was down to fate?”

 

Adam has a smile on his face; they've had conversations like this before. Adam ever determined that fate exists, that people enter and leave your life for a reason. Adam knows Kris' opinion on the whole thing.

 

“I've never believed in fate... and then I met you.”

 

Adam's smile fades, and he looks down at his feet. He is close enough for Kris to reach out and take hold of Adam's hand and pull him in closer, because the distance between them is irritating Kris. Adam has carefully avoided Kris saying he still wants Adam, in fact they have both talked about everything else around those words.

 

“I've missed you.”

 

The words are a whisper from Adam but Kris hears them clearer than anything else Adam has said. He forgets any reasons why he shouldn't and grabs hold of Adam's hands. Adam towers over him and he likes how Adam is looking down at him, biting his lip nervously. It's strange that both the times he has been with Adam like this, Adam is never how Kris expected he would be. He imagined Adam wanting to take charge and lead the moment, but he seems perfectly happy to follow Kris's lead on this.

 

“Yeah, I've missed you too.”

 

The hug is awkward and Kris's neck hurts because he has to lean up so that he can actually feel the press of Adam's chest against his; it's totally worth the pain when Adam's arms tighten around him and he can feel his breath against his neck.

 

Kris pulls back and Adam looks down at him, something back in his eyes that had been missing only moments ago. He can relate, he knows he has been missing the last few months.

 

“I'm going to put this all out here now, Adam. Now that you're here and I have a fear that if you leave you might not call me for three months.”

 

Kris is joking, and mostly rambling to avoid what he really wants to say, but the slightly hurt look on Adam's face registers with him. “You're my best friend and these last few months without you in my life have been pretty hard. I don't want to talk about who's to blame anymore, I just want you back in my life. I love you. I don't regret what happened that night and I don't wish I could take it back, I wanted you then and I still want you now. You can tell me to shut up and we don't ever have to talk about it again. We can put it down to a one time mistake and move on. But whatever happens, I can't not have you in my life. You have to promise me...”

 

“You still want me? Even though we had sex and I pushed you away and then generally was the worst friend to you?”

 

“No more blame.”

 

“Right.”

 

The silence terrifies Kris. He genuinely means what he is saying but he has no idea how he is going to hide a broken heart if Adam says he just wants them to be friends. “It's too much isn't it?”

 

“No. It's not too much.”

 

Adam looks nervous again and it sets Kris on edge because he isn't used to it and he doesn't like it. He can't even enjoy the fact that he is making Adam nervous a little bit. “Why are you nervous?”

 

Adam laughs. “I don't know... you've always had a strange effect on me, Allen.”

 

Kris hooks his fingers between Adam's belt buckle and pulls him forward. Adam has what looks like a hundred layers on; he needs to have a serious discussion with Adam about that but his main focus is removing as many layers as he can. Adam smirks down at him and there is something there, dissolving the nervousness away, the look he gives is like he is challenging Kris to see how far he will take this. The energy between them is so different now, he feels like this would be enough for now just to stay in this moment and just look at Adam, somewhere caught between the past and the future laid out in front of him.

 

Adam's fingers run along his arms and he has Kris's shirt off and thrown on the floor before Kris can even register it happening. He opens his mouth to speak but Adam presses his thumb against his lips, looking down and threatening him to finish what he started or else Adam is about to take control. Which is really, really tempting. So tempting that he feels like lying back and letting Adam do whatever the hell he wants. But he did start this.

 

Adam is pulling his sweater over his head, followed by another shirt and Kris laughs and rubs Adam through his jeans, already showing interest in having Kris so close. Kris makes quick work of removing Adam's belt and unzipping his jeans. He watches Adam gracefully kicks off his boots and steps out of his jeans. Kris doesn't want to tease Adam, but he wants to remember everything, take his time to map out Adam's skin and trace it with his fingers. Adam is patient and watches everything Kris does, shudders when Kris places kisses against his inner thigh and when Kris finally takes Adam in his mouth, the small breathless noises Adam makes almost make Kris fall apart.

 

Kris takes his time, resists against Adam's hands in his hair urging him on by grabbing hold of one of them and pressing it against Adam's stomach and covering it with his own. Kris works Adam as deep as he can. He has to pull away for air, but even then he is reluctant to let his lips leave Adam's skin for very long. He takes Adam back into his mouth and it's not long before Adam is panting and gripping onto Kris's shoulder. It's suddenly clearer than ever before how much he has wanted this nothing is about to stop him now.

 

Adam's grip on Kris' shoulders tightens and he can feel Adam pushing him away. He gives in and pulls back and kisses his stomach again. Adam looks down at him, fingers run through his hair and he lets out small appreciative noises and then pushes Kris down onto the bed, crawling over his body to press them flush against each other.

 

It's different from what Kris remembered, better, less intense, more like what their first time should have been like. When Adam kisses him Kris feels like he has been starving for this for so long, its desperate and longing and he actually whimpers when Adam pulls away to kiss along his jaw, neck and down his stomach. He closes his eyes and lets his hands find Adam's hair, soft under his fingers. Adam doesn't tease like Kris did, he quickly gets rid of his jeans and then Adam's mouth engulfs his whole cock working at a tortuous speed.

 

Kris wishes this moment was running in slow motion. It's only been months since he was last like this with Adam and it was only one time but he hasn't realised just how much he has been craving this, a deep rooted connection to Adam that in truth had never really faltered. Adam is kissing along his body, working his way slowly back to be face to face with Kris, murmuring words against his skin. Kris closes his eyes and just gives himself over to Adam. He is only aware of Adam's hands and lips trailing against his skin.

 

The desperate need to have Adam inside him takes over. Kris didn't realise it was possible to want someone so much, to love someone so much. When Kris' lips find Adam's, he is working a hand between them, slowing gliding across any skin he meets on the way down. Adam nudges Kris' legs with his elbow and Kris obliges and wraps them tightly around Adam, then he is pressing two fingers inside of Kris. Kris hadn't even noticed Adam moving to find the lube from bedside cabinet, but there he is working his way inside and it's still not enough. Adam is everywhere all at once, his body covering Kris's completely and it's not enough.

 

Adam enters him slow, his forehead pressed against Kris's and biting his bottom lip. Kris can see reflected in Adam's eyes how he feels, he realises Adam has been wanting this just as much as Kris has, that he needs this too. Adam stays still for what feels like ages, looking down at Kris, and when he finally moves it's slow and tortuous and exactly what Kris wants. Their bodies move together slightly, knowing without having to speak exactly what the other needs, and when Adam shifts slightly Kris knows both of them only have seconds before they are both falling apart.

 

–

 

Adam cancels his flight for that afternoon and Kris calls Cale to tell him he can't make the dinner plans they had. It's into the early hours of the morning before they fall asleep curled around each other. Three months is lot to catch up on; with each story Adam tells him Kris can feel the pull of him being deeply rooted back into Adam's life, he is beginning to wonder if he ever really left. Adam mumbles song lyrics in his ear that resemble ones of his own that he has recently written. Kris tells the story of how Cale took him to a gay bar and got him drunk on blue coloured cocktails, and the laugh from Adam rumbles through both their bodies, distracting them from conversation.

 

It's into the early hours of the morning before they fall asleep curled around each other. Kris wakes up to the sound of Adam's breathing and the feel of Adam's skin pressed against his own and he can breathe again.


End file.
